The Breastplate of Righteousness

By Danni Moss
Copyright protected, all rights reserved

Originally written 3/25/2009

When my chest first erupted in pain on Dec. 16, I assumed it was due to a fall which occurred that morning. However, as the pain persisted I began to pray for answers. I eventually learned, the end of January, the pain was due to breast cancer in and behind my sternum and a rib beside it.

As I prayed for understanding and direction (for the reasons stated in The Last Curse), God gave me a phrase – the breastplate of righteousness. He didn’t tell me what that meant. All I knew was that it had something to do with the breastplate of righteousness.

During this past week He has given me additional understanding. All of those years, the verbal attacks by Gary and his mother were always addressed at my righteousness (in Christ, since I have none of my own). Whatever Gary said about me at any given time, the reason I was “failing” was because I was not godly, was rebellious, was not saved, had no spiritual gifts, etc.

For the first 10 years of our marriage, and then occasionally during the last four years of our marriage my mother-in-law would come to me every few months with “a burden on her heart for me” (we were estranged during the intervening six years). Little did she know that the seed that birthed all these burdens could be found in her conversations with Gary. He talked to his parents frequently on the phone and had an ingenious way of mixing truth, truth twisted into untruth, innuendo (carefully not saying things to let the other person “read between the lines” something that wasn’t true), and barefaced lies in an impenetrable concoction. I eventually figured out that trying to untangle the knots with truth only made me look like I was being defensive and like I was the one in denial.

In every one of her talks with me, my mother-in-law, whom I loved dearly and greatly respected, told me that God showed her this, that, or the other about my spiritual inadequacy or failure – based on something she “observed” in me via, or interpreted through, her conversations with Gary. Again, it was an assault on my righteousness.

It was for this reason that I originally went to my face with God after seven years of marriage. My greatest heart’s desire has always been to walk in righteousness and truth. But somehow, according to my husband and my godly mother-in-law, I was persistently failing. So I asked God to change me. And I kept asking, and He kept changing. I believed if God changed me, then surely I would finally be able to please my husband and my mother-in-law.

But the more I changed the more unacceptable I became! During the Fall before our first separation, I finally realized that if my mother-in-law could not be pleased with God’s work in my life, the problem wasn’t me. Somehow, in spite of the fact I had previously believed she was probably the godliest woman I ever knew, she did not perceive the truth of the Holy Spirit – and that revealed a very big problem. And that problem wasn’t me.

What God showed me during this past week was that all those verbal assaults for all those years were focused on the breastplate of righteousness I wore in Christ. And quite literally, the pain in my breastbone feels like flaming, stabbing darts. This cancer is a physical manifestation of all those verbal assaults.

BUT the shield of faith quenches all the fiery darts of the wicked! And that is the path God has told me to walk. I will not accept death at the hands of unrighteousness because God has said to have faith in Him and His truth. Satan hates me, he hates my daughter, and he hates all victims of abuse everywhere who dare to break free of His bondage and death sentence. And that is what God has called me to proclaim. That message isn’t finished yet! In fact, it is barely begun.

Nope, it is not time to die – but live.

The Last Curse

By Danni Moss
Copyright protected, all rights reserved

Originally written 3/25/2009

During the last year of my marriage, as I was attempting to recover from breast cancer treatment, God began to show me that my cancer was a direct result of the nearly 20 years of constant verbal abuse I had experienced. That verbal abuse increased during my treatment and recovery period. I believe this was because I was weaker than Gary for the first time in our marriage. His disrespect grew exponentially.

Also, when I first told Gary I had cancer, his response was, “Now I’ll have to find a new wife.” What a startlingly inappropriate response! The casual, unguarded words of his mouth, however, expressed the secrets of his heart. Unfortunately for him, I didn’t die. I know he would never admit it, but I believed that part of the reason for his increased verbal attacks stemmed from frustration that his wish wasn’t to be granted.

That belief was cemented by his treatment of me during that last summer. Prior to that time he had refused to be intimate with me for over 2 years. He vowed in an angry rage that he would never approach me again. After my cancer was confirmed as being highly hormone receptor positive, we had several conversations about how he would have to use protection if he ever decided to break his vow of rage, because a pregnancy could literally kill me. Then during that summer there were three times I woke up in the night, under the influence of a sleeping medication, to discover him helping himself to me. I tell about this in more detail in my article, Is It Rape When Your Husband Does It?

However, during one of those times, remarkably well-timed to coincide with ovulation, he “forgot” to use a condom. Considering his two years of abstinence, the clandestine nature of the moment, and our repeated conversations about the dangers of pregnancy for me, I cannot imagine this “accidental” forgetfulness was not deliberate. I also believe he believes it was a complete accident. Gary does denial better than anyone I have ever known. If he decides something is true, he absolutely believes it.

As a result, I believe with complete certainty that Gary wanted me dead. That would be the tidiest way for me to be removed from his life, leaving him free without the necessity of a divorce – which could negatively impact his image.

So the verbal assaults increased. The rages because very frequent – multiple times weekly, while the extremely nasty verbal tirades happened daily. And I began to notice something that happened in my body every time. I lived on eggshells, always trying to anticipate, deflect or avoid these incidents, but could never manage it. So when he would start in, my fight-or-flight mechanism would automatically trigger, releasing a jolt of adrenalin into my system.

This was very powerfully obvious to me because I was so weak from chemo that this adrenalin rush would leave me profoundly weak. I found I could not seem to get better physically – the extreme exhaustion continued month after month.

I prayed and prayed that God would teach me how to not have that adrenalin rush because it was hurting me. Finally, I realized this was a prayer God couldn’t answer. He had created me with that fight-or-flight reflex for my safety and preservation. He couldn’t turn it off. It was a good thing that He had placed in me to motivate me to either flee or fight.

Well, I had long ago learned that fighting was not the right answer. But without fleeing, that adrenalin rush was going to continue to occur day in and day out. And having already gotten cancer from the constant stress of abuse, I would get cancer again if I remained in that environment.

That was when God reminded me of something He told me during the year prior to our first separation almost 10 years before. He showed me that the fruit of violence is death. I realized back then that someone would die as a result of Gary’s violence if it continued. I assumed that person would be him. Then one day, in one of his rages, Gary came within 2mm of killing himself by punching a window (something he has always attributed to an “accident” – though he was standing there looking out that window almost continuously for the 15 minutes or so before he punched it). And he didn’t die.

It was as if God whispered in my ear, “So, if it is not going to be him, who will it be?”

Over the years I dedicated myself to watching over my children like a hawk. Whenever he physically assaulted them I would get in the middle of it and stop him. Whenever he verbally assaulted them, I would intervene and attempt to break it up by speaking the truth. Both actions deflected his anger onto me, and earned me the permanent label of “disrespectful.”

That last summer of our marriage, God reminded me of what He had said before, “So, if it is not going to be him, who will it be?” And I realized I had missed something obvious – it could be me. It was at that point I realized I would die of cancer if I remained in this marriage because the fruit of violence is death – and it was my life on the chopping block.

Little did I know how extremely literal God’s warning to me was. Four years later, in Jan. 2009, I was diagnosed with breast cancer again. In hindsight it is clear that the cancer began all those years ago while I was still married to Gary. There was an indicator of cancer back then, but the medical team taking care of me was so sure it couldn’t be cancer, they didn’t check or test me for it.

I have come to see this as Gary’s last curse. The last curses of his mouth have been quietly, invisibly, bearing fruit all these years, just as God said they would. Gary’s “death threat” has come to maturity. However, I also believe God didn’t warn me about it at the time only to let me die without hope. Nor do I believe it is God’s will to abandon my daughter to an abusive upbringing after all He has done to save her from that environment. So regardless of what the doctors say about my prognosis, I believe God will heal me and demonstrate His victory over sin’s curses yet again.

The Signs of Domestic Abuse

Mayo Clinic has an excellent article about the signs of domestic violence: how to recognize it and what to do.

This is a comprehensive piece that would be great if you have a friend you think may be in a troubled relationship, wonder if your own relationship is in rough water, or just want to know more about it.

Churches in Australia Join Forces to Stop Domestic Violence

Four churches in Casey, Victoria, Australia, have decided to work together to stand against domestic violence. With domestic violence on the rise in local communities these churches have determined that sitting on the sidelines is not an option.

“We see the extent of the problem because of our welfare services and strong community focus, and we often come into contact with victims of family violence and see the effect it has on families. We are community based and we see what goes on around us, in the community,” says Norma Cayzer of Turning Point Family Church.

Dealing with Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators and Users in Relationships

I have just posted an article by Dr. Joe Carter about Dealing With Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators and Users in Relationships. As I read it, it occurred to me, the people he described sounded like what the Bible calls being “without natural affection” in the last days.

~~ Danni