Over thirty years in a marriage which has been an emotional rollar coaster ride brought increasing confusion, loneliness, heart ache and a deep desire that someone could understand what my marriage consisted of behind the doors of our home.
“But he is a Christian!” too often echoed in my mind and my heart. The multitude of pleading prayers for God to show me where this problem was all my fault progressed into pleas for God to help my husband realize the errors of his ways…his sin. My growing impatience with his way of thinking and processing information and my questioning God for a reason why my husband would not ‘grow up’ became endless. My aging brought heightened intolerance for, and hurt by, my husband’s actions, lack of compassion and admitted turmoil in his mind which resulted in living with “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” with outbursts of anger and emotional distance.
“Seek and ye shall find…”. The Holy Spirit’s job is to lead us into all truth and He did that for me. In ways only God could have orchestrated, coupled with much reading with much prayer, I found peace—and disappointment—in realizing my husband has Asperger’s Syndrome. Disappointment? Yes, for with this understanding has come the realization that I must learn to cope: Because he will under no circumstances seek counsel I must learn what “coping” means for me.
With my understanding, and my meeting other wives with husbands who have Asperger’s Syndrome, I have a burden to bring information to other wives and families that will afford them understanding. I am now in the stage where I am trying to replace my intolerance with my husband with empathy as I learn how to better relate to, and deal with, a person with Asperger’s Syndrome.
The following is a good start for those who want to learn about Asperger’s and the web site has links to many good articles to enhance understanding.
–S.Michaels
I have created a Free Guide on Key Information about Emotional Abuse, both in Spanish and English, as well as some Videos and PowerPoint presentations, you may download them for free at http://www.abusoemocional.com/
Hope they will help people stop and prevent emotional abuse.
Please, please don’t peg all of this on Asperger’s – it sounds like some of your husband’s issues stem from personality problems like passive aggression or narcissism. Calling those things Asperger’s does a huge disservice to those of us who work very hard on improving our interactions with others.
For years after my dx, I did NOT seek help, b/c I’d heard about things people called “Asperger’s,” things that were cruel, disgusting, irresponsible. That’s not me, and I didn’t want to be grouped with that. Turns out it wasn’t Asperger’s at all, just people so glad to finally have a label that they’d leaped to presuming the diagnosis covered EVERYthing unpleasant they’d seen in the person they knew w/ the diagnosis.
veganhunter,
Thank you so much for your comments! I too dealt with this. I’m fairly certain my husband had Aspergers or a similar developmental disorder; however, I came to the conclusion it did not explain all his behavior and there was a distinct difference between abuse and Aspergers. It was not the Aspergers that led to our permanent parting.
One thing I am actively seeking is more information about the combined tangle of the two. I am going into the profession of psychology in part because of this very issue. We’re finding not much is available. And partners need professional help. If spouses won’t go for help, their partners need assistance sorting out where to draw lines – what can they help with in working with a spouse with genuine different-ness and what is behavior that is just plain not acceptable and not part of Aspergers or a developmental disorder?
– Danni
I am a catholic Have been married for 25 yrs to a man I am convinced has aspergers syndrome. He wont agree with me and neither will his doctor.
I am living a life of hell but he wont ask for the help I know he meeds.
Our three children in their early twenties are aware that their father is not quite like a dad should be.
I am 55 and things seem to be getting worse.Help.
Hi Lily!
This is a very difficult situation. And you are right to be concerned! Sharon would like to “talk” to you about your situation by e-mail rather than in this open forum. Please e-mail her at nhwo@sbcglobal.net (New Hope’s primary e-mail address).
The New Hope Team
I recently seperated from my husband of nearly 6 years due to mental/emotional/physical/spiritual abuse and his porn addiction. I wanted to be a good, Christian wife, but nothing I did made any changes, I left twice before, but then went back to try and live out my ’spiritual calling’ as a wife. My husband would verbalize what he did was wrong, but the behavior never changed. I finally realized that I have been enableing him to continue in these behaviors and patters, and in order to be a helpmeet I needed to get us help! So far he has been submissive to our Church and says he wants reconcilliation, but sometimes it seems like he just doesnt get it – and sees himself as the victim. Yesterday someone suggested to him that he may have Aspergers… I’ve done some internet reading, and many things fit, but how do you tell when it’s Aspergers and when it’s just sinful choices and behavioral patterns? Who makes a diagnosis? Is this just another manipulation tactic he’s trying? He says he’s sorry and he sounds like it, but there isn’t any emotional evidence. I tell him this will take time, and he tells me that he wants to wait and work it out, and then he’s impatient. I am having a hard time letting go of all my anxiety and trusting God. Where do you draw the line?
Erin,
The line can be hard to see clearly, especially when an issue like Aspberger’s is in the mix. If he can be officially evaluated, you may be able to get some professional insight into what the boundaries are between Aspberger’s and sinful flesh.
Also, the Holy Spirit really is the best counselor of all. There is a difference between behaviors that result from the way someone is wired, and deeds of the flesh. Does he act different with you and at home than he does with everyone else? If he can control it elsewhere he can control it at home too. That’s one indicator of deeds of the flesh. But this is something that you pretty much have to discern over time, to see what changes of his spirit are transpiring. Is he living a life submitted to the Holy Spirit, in real relationship with God? That will affect his daily behavior, his attitude, and his heart – even though Aspberger’s specific behaviors patterns and needs may not be eliminated.
– Danni
Thank you! And thank you to the makers of the website – it’s been very encouraging(although painful) to read. There is comfort in finding others with similar painful life experiences, and hope too. To God be the glory!